“‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.”
Well, you got me! You pulled out that Leviticus verse and really told me what was what. Geez, I didn’t even know that all my gallivanting around with the dudes was a one way ticket to hell! I mean, I’m not a Christian, so I don’t really adhere to the same moral code as you. But still… thanks for having my back, bro.
You know, ordinarily I wouldn’t do this - but since you seem super interested in living by the book, I think it’s only fair that I return the favor and let you know about some sinful stuff you might be doing.
You ready? Great! Let’s get started.
- Tattoos: “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:28
While your tribal tattoo is totally awesome, brah, it is also unfortunately condemning you to an afterlife of eternal suffering. That’s the bad news. The good news is that, because of this rule, there is no doubt a shit ton of Ed Hardy down there. Well, that’s actually probably worse news. People with tribal tattoos like Ed Hardy though, right? Dude? Broseph? No homo.
- Cotton/Polyester Blend: “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” Leviticus 19:19
That sweatshirt of yours was an abomination before the Lord ever expressly forbade it. Turns out, though, that it’s also a legitimate sin. You better hope hell is exothermic, or it might feel a bit warm down there with that thing on! Better pick up some Ed Hardy swim trunks before you go. No homo.
- Gold Jewelry: “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.” Timothy 2:9
Bad news for fans of “bling” and gaudy gold cross necklaces - you’re committing a major no-no in the eyes of the Lord. I don’t even want to think about what happens when you wear a cotton/polyester blend shirt and a gold necklace! You know, based on all these rules so far, hell is starting to sound an awful lot like Jersey Shore…
- Shrimp: “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” Leviticus 11:10
Wanting to trim some inches off that waistline? Why not give the No-Sin Diet a try! Because all that shellfish you’ve been eating has really racked up the sin points. No more Red Lobster for you!
- Divorce: “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.’” Mark 10:11-12
Ah yes, here we are. The biggest threat to the sanctity of marriage that isn’t gay dudes. Isn’t it interesting that we live in a country where people are allowed to get divorced on a daily basis, but two men or two women who genuinely love each other aren’t allowed to get married? No? Maybe that’s just me.
So, what do you think? I bet you’ve been doing one or two things on the list and sinning without even knowing it! Aren’t you glad I filled you in? Or maybe you think these rules are archaic and no longer apply to today’s society. Oh, except for the one about gay dudes of course. Because…. well… No homo.
Thank you so much! It’s an honor, sir! :)
I was always iffy about changing my “interested in” status on Facebook to “interested in men.” For me, it was a lot easier to just leave it blank and hope that if any cute guys were creeping on me, they would just say “hmm he likes Lady Gaga, David Sedaris, and 30 Rock. And look, he doesn’t specify that he’s interested in women. He’s gay!”
That’s how I found my imaginary boyfriend from Yale, anyway. He’s on the wrestling team.
At first, I didn’t want to change it because I wasn’t “out” yet and wasn’t comfortable with everyone knowing. As I became more and more immersed in the gay community, however, my motives changed. I kept coming across this strange sentiment that it was wrong to be openly gay.
“Yeah I’m gay but I don’t freaking advertise it,” one said.
“I just hate it when guys are in your face about being gay. I’m gay, but I don’t feel the need to tell people!” said another guy at a party. He later kissed me, which I found funny because that was him being gay in my face.
But anyway, you know what, I agreed with them. I guess I just didn’t want to be the kind of guy you knew was gay.
Some of my intentions were pure - I didn’t want my identity to be reduced to one aspect of my existence.
Some, unfortunately, were homophobic - I wanted to avoid being thought of as a flamer and still wanted people to see me as masculine.
It was a real concern for me. The guys I was into made it clear they were “masc” and would only be interested in me if I was too. Now, I do like a lot of straight up dude stuff. I’m a gym rat, enjoy gaming, and don’t put a lot of time into my wardrobe or cleaning my room.
On the other hand, I love me some Lady Gaga, I’m deep into art, and I’m well-versed in pop culture.
But I felt the need to downplay the “gay” side of me and accentuate my more stereotypically masculine traits. I wanted to be the kind of gay guy who appeared as “straight” as possible because I thought that’s what people wanted and would find attractive.
And then I watched X-Men: First Class.
As geeky as it sounds, it really got me to thinking. Why did I consider going to the gym and being a gamer and being a slob in general to be “masculine?” I mean, I was gay, and here I was doing all those things.
And why did i have to categorize my love of pop music and pop culture as “gay?”
It was all me.
In my opinion, Mystique characterizes - as much as a blue mutant can, anyway - the precarious plight of gay people in America.
We are an interesting minority. Many of us can blend in perfectly with the crowd and you’ll never know who we really are. Sometimes you just can’t see it in a person. Sometimes we do so to protect ourselves or to fit in. And then, sometimes, it’s because we don’t want to admit who we are.
And I’m not just talking about people repressing their sexuality. I’m also talking about the guy who hates on “fems” but secretly longs to wear a sassy scarf. Or the guy who hates on pop music but bumps Born This Way in the privacy of his own car.
You don’t have to be anything. You don’t even have to put yourself out there if you really don’t want to. But when you start putting effort into hiding parts of yourself is where, I think, there’s a problem.
“Mutant and proud!” I say. I may not be “in your face” about the fact that I’m gay, and I may not try very hard to make it known, but I am proud, and I won’t change myself for your approval.
And after watching the movie, in a move that wreaked of geek, I changed my “interested in” status on Facebook to “interested in men.”
Because, damn it, I am. I am very interested in men, and the only reason I didn’t have it like that sooner was because I still wanted people to think of me in a certain way. In a way that didn’t really reflect the real me.
So, all those in the closet trying to hide your true self… I leave you with this bit of wisdom from Magneto:
“If you’re using half your concentration to look normal, then you’re only half paying attention to whatever else you’re doing. You want society to accept you, but you can’t even accept yourself.”
To Chick-Fil-A, Truett Cathy, and the WinShape Foundation:
It is with a heavy heart that I write to you saying that I can no longer, in good conscience, patronize your establishment. Nor can I partake of your delicious, succulent, juicy chicken.
I mean, I would like to. Oh trust me, I would! But the beef (ha!) I have with you isn’t about your chicken. Your chicken is actually quite good. Your ongoing support of anti-gay organizations and hate groups, however, is what has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
I had deduced that your business was religious - meaning I noticed it was always closed on Sundays and I just sort of guessed. And that’s fine. I live in Oklahoma and I know plenty of Christian businesses who do the same thing. That much never bothered me.
I never really knew what Chick-Fil-A’s opinion of gays was, but I probably wouldn’t have cared. You are free to have whatever rampantly bigoted views you choose to hold, and I have the right to call them just that. If one of the Chick-Fil-A cows were a homophobe, I’d hope he’d have the common courtesy to at least keep that to himself and we would be fine.
But then you had to do it to me. You just had to push me away. You went and donated $2 million, money that customers like me helped you make, to anti-gay organizations like the Pennsylvania Family Institute. These are people who have said that striking down Prop 8 was a direct hit to human civilization. They’ve said same-sex marriage threatens children, hurts families, and punishes society by caving in to a radical sexual revolution.
I’ve checked your tab, and apparently that’s not the only anti-gay organization you support:
- Marriage & Family Legacy Fund: $994,199
- Focus On The Family: $12,500
- Exodus International: $1,000
Oh, that Exodus International one is a low blow, Chick-Fil-A, because that group’s entire purpose is to eliminate and “cure” homosexuality like it’s a mental disorder.
And then you sent out a message saying you’re not anti-gay and that you respect LGBT people. But then, well, this:
That’s an odd definition of respect. And you’re absolutely sure you’re not anti-gay?
Come on, just admit you don’t like me. It’s pretty obvious. You’ve given money to organizations who are actively trying to make sure I don’t get to enjoy the same rights as heterosexual couples. You have helped fund hate groups who, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, are listed right alongside the KKK.
So I think you’ve made it pretty clear how you feel. Now here’s how I feel.
I refuse to spend my money at a business that supports hate, and I encourage others to do the same.
Maybe you think a small number of people boycotting won’t make much of a difference. And, you know, that may be true.
But when I think that even so much as a penny, a single freaking penny of my money went to Exodus International and helped fund their sick, perverse practices of “curing” gay people, it breaks my heart.
It makes me physically ill to think that a single cent of the money I paid to eat your chicken goes to a hate group who clearly disagrees with my very existence. And when I think, even for a second, that I have in any way helped a group who is trying to undermine my civil rights… well, it makes me want to puke.
And suddenly, I’m not so hungry anymore. No matter how tasty the chicken might be.
But hey, if you meant what you said about not being anti-gay, and if you’re half as Christian as you claim to be, then I’ve got a proposition for you.
Homelessness among LGBT youths is rampant, and charities and churches all over America are struggling to provide them with food, shelter, and a positive environment. Even if you think their sexual orientation is a choice, they are still human beings - and they are suffering.
Here’s one organization that could sure use some help:
And even if you don’t feel like giving a monetary donation… I bet those homeless teens could really go for some free chicken.
Just a thought.
I certainly hope that you have read all of this and heard me out. I also hope that, one day, I may again enjoy one of your chicken sandwiches with extra pickles and waffle fries. It was my favorite!
Until Chick-Fil-A stops supporting these hate groups, however, my morals will simply not allow it.
Sign the petition!