Dear Internet Libertarians

You know what really gets on my fucking nerves? Those Internet Libertarians, specifically of the affluent white straight male variety, who think they’re so above it all when they say, “Democrat, Republican, who cares? They are basically the same. Two sides of the same coin. Two wings on the same bird of prey. Two components of the same stupid metaphor I am now employing because I took one political science class and I know the things. That’s why I’m not voting.”

Oh, enlightened Internet Libertarian whose basic human rights will definitely not be violated by a Romney presidency, please teach me to be more like you! I see now that I am but a sheep mindlessly following the flock over a cliff called American politics.

You are clearly more intelligent than I. That much I am not here to dispute. But do you think you could maybe answer a few of my questions first? Just a few. Yes? Maybe? Okay.

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LGBT vs. Conservative Christians: Two sides of the same coin?

The LGBT community and the Christian conservative community are not two sides of the same coin with extremes that are just as bad as the other. When an LGBT activist and a Christian conservative “agree to disagree,” they walk away from the argument with the status quo unchanged. This is a status quo undeniably, irreconcilably, and ridiculously tilted in favor of the religious person.

Because religious people enjoy rights that an LGBT does not. All kinds of rights. They literally take it as persecution when they are not allowed to control things using their religion as a foundation for law. Also, mischaracterization of LGBT people and Christians does occur - but let’s dig deeper into that, because those are not equivalents either. Mischaracterization of a Christian may manifest itself into being called a “bigot” or a funny cartoon in The Onion. Mischaracterization of a gay person may result in accusations of pedofilia, “sinful” behavior, and even death/hate crimes.

So what bothers me the most about this argument of false equivalency is that both sides are just as bad as the other and in order to be “middle of the road” let’s call out the “bad stuff” in the LGBT community because surely they are just as bad as the “bad stuff” in the Christian conservative community! I mean, we’re both just two sides in the culture war, right?

Except one side is fighting for rights, and the other side is fighting to take those rights away. One side has come up with attack after attack along the lines of “let’s put gay people behind electric fences” and “gay people deserve death” while the other side comes up with a “well god isn’t real and you’re a bigot.”

One side has a higher murder rate, suicide rate, and hate crime rate. The other side cries persecution when gay people push BACK.

I agree with being civil. I agree with trying to change people’s minds we don’t agree with. They are, in fact, the people we NEED to be reaching.

I don’t agree with doing that at the expense of our convictions, with appeasing the other side by saying “our extreme is just as bad as yours,” and pretending like we are just two players in a game of chess who have reached a stalemate.

Because we are winning, after all. So far. We have a president who just came out in favor of same-sex marriage. We have a major party who has just added marriage equality into their platform. We have every reason in the world to be optimistic - and I, for one, would like to win our rights without having to throw ourselves at the mercy of those who have, time and time again, proven they just don’t fully recognize our humanity.

Keep fetuses (and everything else) out of food

We’ve all been there before. You’re chowing down at your favorite fast food restaurant, maybe Wendy’s or Burger King, and then the unsettling thought creeps into your head… is there fetus in this?

Yes, the question of whether or not there are human fetuses in our fast food has been making Oklahomans nervous for as long as this blogger can remember. But just when we thought it was time to accept the grim reality that we may or may not be consuming the unborn in our Big Macs, one man decided to stand up and end our statewide nightmare. That man is Senator Ralph Shortey.

The Oklahoma City Republican has proposed a bill that says: “No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”

Hear-Hear, Shortey!

Now, many people have called the bill ludicrous, unnecessary, stupid and even preposterous. But those people probably eat sand-burritos from Taco Bell. I ask you this, fellow citizen - do you really think a person who knowingly eats cat litter wrapped in a tortilla would care if they were eating human in their hamburgers? The answer, for this blogger, is no.

In fact, my only problem with the bill is that it doesn’t go far enough. Sure, there’s no real evidence that we are being fed fetuses with our fast food. But, you know what? There’s also no evidence that we are being fed puppies in our popcorn chicken. Where’s the ban on that?

There’s actually plenty of things I don’t want to find in my food: Kittens, the elderly, hypodermic needles, illegal immigrants, sharia law, ghosts, and the list goes on and on…

BAN THEM ALL, OKLAHOMA!

By preemptively banning gross stuff from our food, we can ensure that they will maybe never show up in our mystery meat. I say maybe because, well, you know, things just happen sometimes.

But I digest. We must stand behind Senator Ralph Shortey in his crusade against culinary horseplay. (side-note, ban horse meat) I mean, either that or just sit there and keep on eating your god-knows-what from lord-knows-where… but don’t come crying to me when you find children in your chili.