Amendment One: Dear North Carolina

Dear North Carolina,

Hey! It’s me.

So… are you done with your little temper tantrum? I mean, I’d certainly hate to interrupt. What’s that? You’re through?

…Are you sure?

Okay, good! Because I have something I’d like to say.

You’re probably feeling mighty proud of yourself right now, North Carolina. What with banning same-sex marriage and all… again.You do realize that it was illegal in the first place, right?  Seriously, way to kick us while we’re down. You even took it a step farther and banned all civil unions!

Wow. I must say, I am at least impressed by your resolve. You’re even willing to throw straight people under the bus just to get to us!

So go ahead, North Carolina. Give yourself a pat on the back. A round of applause. Kudos. 

And be sure to enjoy it while you can.. because it may be the last time you ever get throw a hissy-fit like this again.

Because, whether you like it or not, the world around us is changing. Every single day, support is growing for gay marriage and for LGBT acceptance. And I think you know that - otherwise, why would you have bothered to even make such an amendment in the first place?

You’re being awfully silly, North Carolina. The only thing this amendment has done is establish how backwards you and the rest of the bigots in this country are.

But maybe I should credit you, because you’ve also done something else. You’ve ignited a base that doesn’t agree with your outdated way of thinking. And right now, as you read this letter, they are working to bring an end to toxic legislation like Amendment One.

You know, I may be a cynical, liberal, gay college student who is disenchanted with the system, but this little nugget of wisdom is something I have always held to be true: Love will win in the end.

So you might want to get on the ride side of history, North Carolina, before it’s too late. Because incidents like this… they end up in the history books, and history will not treat you kindly. 

But if you refuse, as I suspect you might, then you should know this.

You may have won the fight, but so long as hate is the only thing on your side, then you will lose the war.

Sincerely,

John Paul

Witch King of Angmar Launches Late Bid for GOP Nomination

Columbia, South Carolina -

After Mitt Romney’s recent victory in New Hampshire, many members of the Republican party are starting to feel like the question of who will be the presidential candidate for the GOP has been all but decided. Enthusiasm for Romney, however, remains low - exit polls in New Hampshire show that a third of the voters would be dissatisfied with Romney as a presidential candidate, and the Tea Party still finds him to be too liberal.

But just when Republicans thought it was time to settle, a bold newcomer has launched his last minute campaign for the nomination in South Carolina. Yes, sources confirm that the Witch King of Angmar has tossed his gruesome helmet into the ring.

Republican strategist Mike Murphy weighs in on the Lord of the Nazgûl’s chances in South Carolina, and how it will affect the other candidates:

“His charisma is undeniable,” said Murphy of the Witch King. “He’s that strong silent type that people feel they can depend on. That’s what Americans are really looking for right now in these harsh economic times. And, believe it or not, the voters are really responding well to him. I most definitely think he has a shot in South Carolina.”

So what does this mean for current frontrunner Mitt Romney and close seconds like Ron Paul and Rick Santorum?

“It means they better watch their backs,” Murphy said plainly. “Look, the Witch King is able to generate the kind of excitement that Romney simply lacks. I also think that the folks who support Ron Paul or Rick Santorum will look at the Witch King as a viable candidate who can actually go toe-to-toe with Obama come November.”

Wanting to know more about the mysterious candidate from Carn Dûm, we decided to catch up with the ominous Ringwraith and question his views on issues that are important to the American people in the upcoming primary.

“Witch King of Angmar, Lord of Morgul and servant of Sauron,” we asked, “what would you do to stimulate the creation of jobs in this country as president of the United States?”

The Witch King, after releasing a flurry of shrieks and howls from the black hole where his mouth should be, replied, “surrender the halfling, if you wish to live.”

“And Mr. Witch King,” we continued, “where do you stand on social issues like gay marriage?”

“Every knee shall bow before Sauron when the kingdoms of man crumble to the ground,” the Witch King replied, wrought with malice.

“That’s right,” chimed in one supporter, “no special treatment for anyone!”

“One last thing, Mr. Witch King. Do you think you will defeat Romney in the South Carolina primary?”

“No living man can kill me,” the terrifying wraith replied. “To do battle with me is to do battle with death.”

And with another sinister shriek, the Lord of the Nazgûl’s took off into the sky on his fell beast while his supporters burst into cheers below.

“He may be pure evil,” said one supporter, “but he’s sure as hell a lot better than the rest of the candidates.”