“‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.”
Well, you got me! You pulled out that Leviticus verse and really told me what was what. Geez, I didn’t even know that all my gallivanting around with the dudes was a one way ticket to hell! I mean, I’m not a Christian, so I don’t really adhere to the same moral code as you. But still… thanks for having my back, bro.
You know, ordinarily I wouldn’t do this - but since you seem super interested in living by the book, I think it’s only fair that I return the favor and let you know about some sinful stuff you might be doing.
You ready? Great! Let’s get started.
- Tattoos: “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:28
While your tribal tattoo is totally awesome, brah, it is also unfortunately condemning you to an afterlife of eternal suffering. That’s the bad news. The good news is that, because of this rule, there is no doubt a shit ton of Ed Hardy down there. Well, that’s actually probably worse news. People with tribal tattoos like Ed Hardy though, right? Dude? Broseph? No homo.
- Cotton/Polyester Blend: “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” Leviticus 19:19
That sweatshirt of yours was an abomination before the Lord ever expressly forbade it. Turns out, though, that it’s also a legitimate sin. You better hope hell is exothermic, or it might feel a bit warm down there with that thing on! Better pick up some Ed Hardy swim trunks before you go. No homo.
- Gold Jewelry: “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.” Timothy 2:9
Bad news for fans of “bling” and gaudy gold cross necklaces - you’re committing a major no-no in the eyes of the Lord. I don’t even want to think about what happens when you wear a cotton/polyester blend shirt and a gold necklace! You know, based on all these rules so far, hell is starting to sound an awful lot like Jersey Shore…
- Shrimp: “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” Leviticus 11:10
Wanting to trim some inches off that waistline? Why not give the No-Sin Diet a try! Because all that shellfish you’ve been eating has really racked up the sin points. No more Red Lobster for you!
- Divorce: “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.’” Mark 10:11-12
Ah yes, here we are. The biggest threat to the sanctity of marriage that isn’t gay dudes. Isn’t it interesting that we live in a country where people are allowed to get divorced on a daily basis, but two men or two women who genuinely love each other aren’t allowed to get married? No? Maybe that’s just me.
So, what do you think? I bet you’ve been doing one or two things on the list and sinning without even knowing it! Aren’t you glad I filled you in? Or maybe you think these rules are archaic and no longer apply to today’s society. Oh, except for the one about gay dudes of course. Because…. well… No homo.