Dear Internet Libertarians

You know what really gets on my fucking nerves? Those Internet Libertarians, specifically of the affluent white straight male variety, who think they’re so above it all when they say, “Democrat, Republican, who cares? They are basically the same. Two sides of the same coin. Two wings on the same bird of prey. Two components of the same stupid metaphor I am now employing because I took one political science class and I know the things. That’s why I’m not voting.”

Oh, enlightened Internet Libertarian whose basic human rights will definitely not be violated by a Romney presidency, please teach me to be more like you! I see now that I am but a sheep mindlessly following the flock over a cliff called American politics.

You are clearly more intelligent than I. That much I am not here to dispute. But do you think you could maybe answer a few of my questions first? Just a few. Yes? Maybe? Okay.

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Latina Woman Jailed Because Authorities Thought She Was Illegal

Briseira Torres, a 31 year old single mom from Glendale, Arizona, was held without bond in Estrella Jail for four and a half months. Why? Because Arizona citizens passed something known as Proposition 100. This prevents illegal immigrants from posting bail if they have committed a serious crime.

Except… Briseira Torres was neither an undocumented immigrant nor a perpetrator of a serious crime.

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Evangelicals: Less like Jesus, More Like Guys Who Crucified Him

American Evangelical Christians are a lot less like the apostles of Jesus, and a lot more like the guys who nailed him to a cross.

Now, I may be an agnostic homosexual (read: heathen sodomite), but I did go to Catholic school for what seems like forever. And I am from Oklahoma. And, yes, I have read the Bible. So when it comes to Jesus…. sure, I know the guy.

And you know what? He seems pretty cool. I like him. Why? Because, to me, Jesus was the kind of person who stuck up for the little guy. According to the Bible he was big on healing the sick and helping the poor. What’s there not to like about that?

Another thing I like is that he was willing to go against the status quo. He rolled with a posse of smelly homeless dudes and a prostitute. He had his own ancient Breakfast Club! He also preached against the evils of greed and violence. I mean, he was a real rebel! So much so that the Roman Empire, the biggest upholder of the status quo at the time, labeled him a threat.

Sure, Jesus has been painted in several different lights to fit several different religious and political ideologies. I get that. But from everything I’ve read, I think it’s safe to say that Jesus was at least a real mover and shaker. For me, he’s right up there with the other “radicals” like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. Because, well, Jesus was a man who was interested in changing things.

Hmm… changing things. Let’s keep that in mind as we flash-forward to his modern day fan club. 

Who is the church of Jesus today? Well, that’s difficult to say. There really are all kinds of Christians out there. There are Catholics, Baptists, Pentecostals, Christian hipsters who frequent coffee shops… But you know what’s easier to answer? Who is the LOUDEST church of Jesus today? That’s easy, we say in unison - the Evangelicals.

And who are the Evangelicals? They’re the ones on your TV screen asking for money, first of all. Many of them are also fundamentalists. But beyond that, they are a large Christian group with a lot of power in American politics. 

And what are their politics? We call it social conservatism: the idea that morality can be and should be regulated by the government. AKA the “small government” Republicans trying to regulate your bedroom activities.

This group often cites Jesus as the spiritual guide for their beliefs. In this way, they can justify being against certain things.

And, let me tell you, in the history of American Evangelicalism and Christian fundamentalism… they have been against a lot of stuff.

Remember when the super-duper Christian South realized slavery was against the teachings of Jesus and immediately freed all their slaves? No? Oh. That’s probably because they were against the Emancipation Proclamation.

Remember the civil rights movement in the 60’s? When Martin Luther King Jr. and the Southern Christian Leadership Conference sought out “the promised land” and equality in this country? Yeah. They were against that.

Remember when two people of different races could finally celebrate their love openly and get married? … They definitely weren’t for that.

How about when feminists said women deserve the right to vote? Well, Evangelical Christians were kind of hoping they would just stay in the kitchen. You know. Where “God” told them to be.

And what about today? What about gay people trying to get equality and respect in a world that has historically oppressed them?

Even the president came out and said he was for that! But not Evangelical Christians. No. See, they would kind of prefer it if gay people just died out.

And, FYI, they’re still pretty shitty about racial issues and women’s rights.

Have you noticed a pattern here? No? Maybe? I think you do, but I’ll spell it out for you just in case.

Evangelical Christians are very interested in keeping things the same.

No matter how bad it might be for someone else, they are interested in keeping the status quo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on now! What’s the deal?! 

If Jesus was in the business of changing things… why is such a sizable chunk of mainstream Christianity trying to keep things the same?

If Jesus was all about the poor and downtrodden, then why are Evangelical Christians all about oppressing them?

If Jesus was against the status quo, then why have Evangelical Christians become guardians of the status quo?

But, then again, when have people ever been interested in actually following the teachings of some guy in a bathrobe preaching peace and love?

Between the times of Jesus of Nazareth and today, there has been so much bloodshed and acts of hatred carried out in the name of Christianity that it would make your head spin. 

So, yeah… maybe this is nothing new. Still, I can’t help but think that if Jesus had been alive today instead of back then, and he was still trying to meddle and go about changing things, then his biggest enemies wouldn’t be agnostics or atheists. They would be Evangelical Christians.

Amendment One: Dear North Carolina

Dear North Carolina,

Hey! It’s me.

So… are you done with your little temper tantrum? I mean, I’d certainly hate to interrupt. What’s that? You’re through?

…Are you sure?

Okay, good! Because I have something I’d like to say.

You’re probably feeling mighty proud of yourself right now, North Carolina. What with banning same-sex marriage and all… again.You do realize that it was illegal in the first place, right?  Seriously, way to kick us while we’re down. You even took it a step farther and banned all civil unions!

Wow. I must say, I am at least impressed by your resolve. You’re even willing to throw straight people under the bus just to get to us!

So go ahead, North Carolina. Give yourself a pat on the back. A round of applause. Kudos. 

And be sure to enjoy it while you can.. because it may be the last time you ever get throw a hissy-fit like this again.

Because, whether you like it or not, the world around us is changing. Every single day, support is growing for gay marriage and for LGBT acceptance. And I think you know that - otherwise, why would you have bothered to even make such an amendment in the first place?

You’re being awfully silly, North Carolina. The only thing this amendment has done is establish how backwards you and the rest of the bigots in this country are.

But maybe I should credit you, because you’ve also done something else. You’ve ignited a base that doesn’t agree with your outdated way of thinking. And right now, as you read this letter, they are working to bring an end to toxic legislation like Amendment One.

You know, I may be a cynical, liberal, gay college student who is disenchanted with the system, but this little nugget of wisdom is something I have always held to be true: Love will win in the end.

So you might want to get on the ride side of history, North Carolina, before it’s too late. Because incidents like this… they end up in the history books, and history will not treat you kindly. 

But if you refuse, as I suspect you might, then you should know this.

You may have won the fight, but so long as hate is the only thing on your side, then you will lose the war.

Sincerely,

John Paul

Why Rick Santorum’s Momentum Is Good News

Stay with me on this one guys. Just hear me out.

Rick Santorum winning in Missouri, Colorado, and Minnesota is a good thing for those of us who oppose him.

“But JP,” you protest, “of course he’s unelectable! But would you really want to take the chance of him winning the general election? How could you risk a President Santorum?”

“Silence!” I respond, and then break out of dialogue format. Santorum is not only unelectable in the general election, he is also impractical for the GOP nomination in the first place.

The GOP knows this. Oh, they do. Right now, Santorum staying alive and well in the primaries just means Mitt Romney has to spend more money, Ron Paul gets more embarrassment, and Newt Gingrich must sit there with an unpleasant look on his face.

(this is that face)

Also, Sex-Obsessed-Santorum will bring homophobia within the Republican party to center stage. This, I’m hoping, will allow us to open up a dialogue with Republican moderates about how far their party has fallen.

So, in summary, yes I know that Santorum seeped out of a frothy orifice of pure evil… but that’s what makes this so good! He’s unelectable. Obama already holds the edge over Romney in the general election, imagine how he matches up with Santorum! Or don’t imagine because it’s right here.

In fact, I hope Santorum becomes the nominee. I don’t put it past the GOP to pull a Carrie on him.

For those of you who don’t know, this is a Carrie:

In which they declare Santorum prom queen and then dump a bucket of pig’s blood on him. Because I think the GOP knows as well as we do that Romney would be the more electable candidate, and they might just pull the rug out from under Santorum just to make Romney the nominee.

For now, though, trust me… just sit back and enjoy the theatrics.