And on that night of the DNC, as he bathed himself with the tears of the poor in his solid gold claw-footed bathtub, Mitt Romney wept.
Dear Internet Libertarians
You know what really gets on my fucking nerves? Those Internet Libertarians, specifically of the affluent white straight male variety, who think they’re so above it all when they say, “Democrat, Republican, who cares? They are basically the same. Two sides of the same coin. Two wings on the same bird of prey. Two components of the same stupid metaphor I am now employing because I took one political science class and I know the things. That’s why I’m not voting.”
Oh, enlightened Internet Libertarian whose basic human rights will definitely not be violated by a Romney presidency, please teach me to be more like you! I see now that I am but a sheep mindlessly following the flock over a cliff called American politics.
You are clearly more intelligent than I. That much I am not here to dispute. But do you think you could maybe answer a few of my questions first? Just a few. Yes? Maybe? Okay.
Latina Woman Jailed Because Authorities Thought She Was Illegal
Briseira Torres, a 31 year old single mom from Glendale, Arizona, was held without bond in Estrella Jail for four and a half months. Why? Because Arizona citizens passed something known as Proposition 100. This prevents illegal immigrants from posting bail if they have committed a serious crime.
Except… Briseira Torres was neither an undocumented immigrant nor a perpetrator of a serious crime.
Why Rick Santorum’s Momentum Is Good News
Stay with me on this one guys. Just hear me out.
Rick Santorum winning in Missouri, Colorado, and Minnesota is a good thing for those of us who oppose him.
“But JP,” you protest, “of course he’s unelectable! But would you really want to take the chance of him winning the general election? How could you risk a President Santorum?”
“Silence!” I respond, and then break out of dialogue format. Santorum is not only unelectable in the general election, he is also impractical for the GOP nomination in the first place.
The GOP knows this. Oh, they do. Right now, Santorum staying alive and well in the primaries just means Mitt Romney has to spend more money, Ron Paul gets more embarrassment, and Newt Gingrich must sit there with an unpleasant look on his face.
(this is that face)
Also, Sex-Obsessed-Santorum will bring homophobia within the Republican party to center stage. This, I’m hoping, will allow us to open up a dialogue with Republican moderates about how far their party has fallen.
So, in summary, yes I know that Santorum seeped out of a frothy orifice of pure evil… but that’s what makes this so good! He’s unelectable. Obama already holds the edge over Romney in the general election, imagine how he matches up with Santorum! Or don’t imagine because it’s right here.
In fact, I hope Santorum becomes the nominee. I don’t put it past the GOP to pull a Carrie on him.
For those of you who don’t know, this is a Carrie:
In which they declare Santorum prom queen and then dump a bucket of pig’s blood on him. Because I think the GOP knows as well as we do that Romney would be the more electable candidate, and they might just pull the rug out from under Santorum just to make Romney the nominee.
For now, though, trust me… just sit back and enjoy the theatrics.