Why Rick Santorum’s Momentum Is Good News

Stay with me on this one guys. Just hear me out.

Rick Santorum winning in Missouri, Colorado, and Minnesota is a good thing for those of us who oppose him.

“But JP,” you protest, “of course he’s unelectable! But would you really want to take the chance of him winning the general election? How could you risk a President Santorum?”

“Silence!” I respond, and then break out of dialogue format. Santorum is not only unelectable in the general election, he is also impractical for the GOP nomination in the first place.

The GOP knows this. Oh, they do. Right now, Santorum staying alive and well in the primaries just means Mitt Romney has to spend more money, Ron Paul gets more embarrassment, and Newt Gingrich must sit there with an unpleasant look on his face.

(this is that face)

Also, Sex-Obsessed-Santorum will bring homophobia within the Republican party to center stage. This, I’m hoping, will allow us to open up a dialogue with Republican moderates about how far their party has fallen.

So, in summary, yes I know that Santorum seeped out of a frothy orifice of pure evil… but that’s what makes this so good! He’s unelectable. Obama already holds the edge over Romney in the general election, imagine how he matches up with Santorum! Or don’t imagine because it’s right here.

In fact, I hope Santorum becomes the nominee. I don’t put it past the GOP to pull a Carrie on him.

For those of you who don’t know, this is a Carrie:

In which they declare Santorum prom queen and then dump a bucket of pig’s blood on him. Because I think the GOP knows as well as we do that Romney would be the more electable candidate, and they might just pull the rug out from under Santorum just to make Romney the nominee.

For now, though, trust me… just sit back and enjoy the theatrics.

Witch King of Angmar Launches Late Bid for GOP Nomination

Columbia, South Carolina -

After Mitt Romney’s recent victory in New Hampshire, many members of the Republican party are starting to feel like the question of who will be the presidential candidate for the GOP has been all but decided. Enthusiasm for Romney, however, remains low - exit polls in New Hampshire show that a third of the voters would be dissatisfied with Romney as a presidential candidate, and the Tea Party still finds him to be too liberal.

But just when Republicans thought it was time to settle, a bold newcomer has launched his last minute campaign for the nomination in South Carolina. Yes, sources confirm that the Witch King of Angmar has tossed his gruesome helmet into the ring.

Republican strategist Mike Murphy weighs in on the Lord of the Nazgûl’s chances in South Carolina, and how it will affect the other candidates:

“His charisma is undeniable,” said Murphy of the Witch King. “He’s that strong silent type that people feel they can depend on. That’s what Americans are really looking for right now in these harsh economic times. And, believe it or not, the voters are really responding well to him. I most definitely think he has a shot in South Carolina.”

So what does this mean for current frontrunner Mitt Romney and close seconds like Ron Paul and Rick Santorum?

“It means they better watch their backs,” Murphy said plainly. “Look, the Witch King is able to generate the kind of excitement that Romney simply lacks. I also think that the folks who support Ron Paul or Rick Santorum will look at the Witch King as a viable candidate who can actually go toe-to-toe with Obama come November.”

Wanting to know more about the mysterious candidate from Carn Dûm, we decided to catch up with the ominous Ringwraith and question his views on issues that are important to the American people in the upcoming primary.

“Witch King of Angmar, Lord of Morgul and servant of Sauron,” we asked, “what would you do to stimulate the creation of jobs in this country as president of the United States?”

The Witch King, after releasing a flurry of shrieks and howls from the black hole where his mouth should be, replied, “surrender the halfling, if you wish to live.”

“And Mr. Witch King,” we continued, “where do you stand on social issues like gay marriage?”

“Every knee shall bow before Sauron when the kingdoms of man crumble to the ground,” the Witch King replied, wrought with malice.

“That’s right,” chimed in one supporter, “no special treatment for anyone!”

“One last thing, Mr. Witch King. Do you think you will defeat Romney in the South Carolina primary?”

“No living man can kill me,” the terrifying wraith replied. “To do battle with me is to do battle with death.”

And with another sinister shriek, the Lord of the Nazgûl’s took off into the sky on his fell beast while his supporters burst into cheers below.

“He may be pure evil,” said one supporter, “but he’s sure as hell a lot better than the rest of the candidates.”